Does everyone else seem to share my problem of falling in love with the wrong person? perhaps it is some inert part of human nature that for some reason is always attracted to that which cannot be had. Perhaps we have an idea in our heads of how a love story should go. Perhaps the best opportunity for true love to exist would be in a situation where we must sacrifice everything, our sacrifices defining the romance as more than just another piece of ass. Something has to separate this one from the rest, prove that it is special, something other than time and situation.
Do you think you get to choose who you like, or want, or love? No, ya don't. Have you ever started to notice that you like someone despite knowing that they are not right for you? Or perhaps you were diggin someone that you shouldn't due to moral obligations (like she is my friend's ex), I personally have seen it coming from a mile away that someone would only ever hurt me, do me wrong, take advantage and lie to me and i was still helpless to decide not to like her. It wasn't about what she did for a living, if she was an honest person, or even if she was an interesting conversation. Looking into her eyes was like a drug to me it made me hope beyond hoping, that she would bestow upon me gifts she didn't even possess. It made me view things in a very unrealistic way, and I saw it coming from a mile away. I said to myself,, No, You don't like her, You don't want her, she is nothing but trouble, she will only cause pain not happiness. Guess what I was helpless to talk myself out of infatuation. It was like a slippery slope that obviously had jagged rocks and trees and was way too steep to ever stop once you had started, I evaluated it and was like "hell no! thats not for me." but then she smiled at me and it was like the entire football team had decide i was going over the edge. My will power is formidable, the football team wouldn't find me easy to shove, yet to her smile i am quite disarmed. There was never a choice for me. Knowing myself is all that I have to go off of in seeking to know who you(everyone) are but if I am any good indication then i think I can tell you, in case you don't know, you don't choose who you love.
(small subject shift (don't worry its going somewhere))
I was raised as a christian. We were not the most strict as far as being there every single Sunday, but I personally was pretty strict myself. I read he bible every night before i slept (finished it 3 times before age 10) and I really really felt very passionately about god, and life in general. I felt that each moment was a blessing and (this feels strange to admit) I truly thought there was a guy in the sky that watched over me and cared about me, who always consciously witnessed everything i went through with me. It is interesting from a psychological standpoint because group mentality can tend to make things more concrete (as far as deciding what is going on or what just occurred) because it isn't just me its all of us that witnessed it. You are never alone if there is someone always with you who always loves and accepts you. I think that believing in god is an extremely positive thing for anyone to do.
As I began to grow older I went through many painful things. I don't know about you but for me learning how the world worked was not an enjoyable thing for the most part. As I looked around I would find a small clue here, another piece of evidence there, and then a key witness here that would all begin to change my perception of what was really going on. The perception that I reluctantly began to form made me slowly painfully and sadly have to let go of my man in the sky. My supportive loving companion who was all powerful and all understanding. He was infinitely wise and knew everything, and he thought I was alright. What a powerful validating force in my life. Me, a person who needs to be verified and validated by something not for fear of punishment but for the self knowledge that I am a force of good in the world. Me who would be lonely all the time without him, believe me I fought to keep him in my life. I pushed with actual clearly focused and directed mental energy to find a way to continue to believe in god. I searched for a way around the most damning(scary terminology considering the subject) pieces of evidence in the case that was taking place in my mind. I was primarily acting defense attorney representing god himself, and my side lost, but it wasn't god's loss it was mine, because I was the only person there. Now when i go somewhere I go it alone, when things happen I witness them by myself, when I'm not sure if i did the right thing there is no validation, no one to apologize (and be forgiven by). I would gladly appeal this decision if I were ever able to come up with some new evidence.
The general point I'm getting at here is that some of these most important "choices" in life you don't get to choose at all. I know that we all are different, but for me there seems to be an emerging hierarchy of what wins in a battle for my attention(for lack of a better word). As in the case of religious beliefs logic prevailed over faith for me, something I'm not ashamed of but do regret. It would almost be a source of pride for me if i could say that logic is victorious always inside of my mind but it is not. When it came to if i was going to like the girl or not it was not logic but feelings, stimulation, and I suppose pretty images that took the cake. AAAhhhhh Life, what an amazing deep and interesting thing. AAAAhhhhhh life, what a pain in the a-hole. choices choices everywhere, but when do I get to decide something?
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God will never give you more than you can handle. He will challenge you though, like a parent to a child. Force you to grow and learn from mistakes. Some people get more shit thrown their way than others... some people can handle more... some need a firmer hand and a more impressionable lesson because some people are more resistant and hard headed than others. All of it is to make you a better person. A more caring and selfless person. A stronger person. A person essentially created in His image.
ReplyDeleteChoices. Yes, we have them. God gave us free will. What we do with that free will is just that, our decision. Some things will happen no matter what though. I partially agree with attraction to another person. You can't help if you are physically, mentally or emotionally attracted to someone. What you do with that attraction is up to you. If you know it isn't someone who isn't good for you, then you should not persue it. If you know if could be damaging (ex: abusive) then run the other way, at least until the infatuation subsides.
Call me a romantic, but I believe that people come in and out of our lives for a reason and even some of the most horrid relationships teach us something... what we want in a partner and what we don't want. Who we are and who we aren't. In theory, each relationship should be something better as far as the qualities that attract you. Stepping stones if you will, until you get to that person who is exactly who you never knew you always wanted. Those people who never learn are the people who keep getting the assholes and the losers and the emotionally damaging people. (Dr. Drew would say they thrive on chaos) So... I might be getting off track a bit but hopefully you see where I've been going with choices. I could probably ramble on forever but I'll leave your comments alone now!