alone

Someone in the family passed away today. He wasn't the closest to me, but he was a living person who up until yesterday had just lived his life as normal. In the middle of countless things and likely not suspecting any of it was about to end he fell asleep last night. I wonder if the lack of oxygen to a certain integral part of his heart awoke him painfully in the middle of the night. I wonder if he was ever conscious that his life was ending. I wonder if the last few days before maybe even felt a little bit different in some indescribable way. I wonder if he got a chance to tell the ones he loved that he loved them.

Well those are the people I know; I didn't know not him too well personally, but the ones he loved are like family to me(pretty much are). I know they knew he loved them but what about the things they didn't know. What about the things that none of us know. As he took his last breathe his wife was right beside him, but as a very close friend and I were recently discussing, despite his wife's close proximity death is a journey we all must take alone. Do not take pity on those who seem to lack whatever social or communicative jewels that allow most of us to have friends and feel that people care about us, express our ideas clearly and understandably and get some type of validation from the social interactions that we share with our friends because you too will in the end have to take this journey alone.

It is something that separates us all. If one hundred people all stand in the same room and it explodes do they not all take this journey by themselves? I know nothing of the journey, where it ends, how it feels, but I do know that you go it alone. Sounds sad doesn't it, but it really isn't. It only sounds sad because the word alone has such a negative connotation, look at the bright side no one will be bitching at you, you won't be judged, you won't be rejected, you won't be loved, but do you really need love if your not alive? And as for me, well i suppose i'm still searching for a reason to live, and love? It was almost my original reason, my second actually. As for my number one reason to live,,, simple, to not die.