Kisses are nice aren't they. I know I have lots of enjoyment for them but what is the best kiss? is it the most romantic kiss, the classic and soft direct kiss where you both keep your mouth shut and press against one another. Too me this is more about showing affection and caring about someone than it is about sexual tension or desire though I suppose sex is always a part it. I like that one. Then there is the one lip pull away, where you squeeze their bottom or top lip between your two lips and pull away, this can be quite a nice sensation when done right. To mix it up I suggest biting her lip and pulling away with the same type of motion, this feels really good. This kiss is perhaps a step up above the romantic classic i spoke of above, I don't mean better, I mean it is a little more adult, a little sexier, a little less romantic and a little more sexy. Then there is the full blown open mouthed tongue kiss, as far as kisses go this is pretty much the top level kiss, it screams sexual desire and tension. This kiss usually wants to go somewhere else.
In my exploration of kisses though I've realized that it is not the type of kiss that really matters, I don't care if we're talking about the romantic classic, the bottom lip biter or the full blown french kiss it is context more than type that really makes a kiss pop. For example there is the kiss when you finally see your girl, and you've been missing her, and wondering if she was ok, and just concerned about how she is doin, that first hello, that is a good kiss. There is the hangin out with my girl enjoying ourselves and things are goin good kiss that might come at almost any time. Then there is the kiss that gets serious, the kiss that says ok I just got serious now, I'm not just kissing you to be the touchy feely type, I'm about to carry you to the bedroom and ravage your body like a wild animal. That my friends is a real good kiss. Then there is the good bye kiss, and while I like em all basically the same,in a way, I actually gotta say this one, the good bye kiss can be my favorite. Not just one kiss goodbye, but the kiss that takes 15 minutes cuz you don't want to let go of the other one, and once you step away you step back toward her to kiss her 25 more times just cuz you don't leave her, but at least since you must you are trying to show her that you don't wanna go. Thats a good kiss too. When you really dig somebody it isn't too much fun to leave them, but in a way it is, cuz that leads right back to the much coveted Hello kiss again, and so on and so forth. Life is pretty good isn't it folks, well you guys,, enjoy.
Friday, November 27, 2009
Friday, October 23, 2009
women
The title of this blah(g) is women, though I don't expect you to read this. You see I am not the kind of asshole piece of shit that tends to keep your attention. I actually have good qualities, and things i'd like to share with you as opposed to simply giving confirmation to you deepest insecurities and worst fears. I am a nice guy, considerate of other people's feelings, I care about the environment, I love animals, I want everyone to be happy, I won't talk down to you or treat you like shit. I won't tell you your fat, or act as though no other man would ever want you as an attempt to lock you into staying here with me. I am an honest, intelligent, hardworking man who knows what i want and is on a daily basis working hard to achieve it. I don't need to be manipulative to get my way, in fact i won't even ask you to help. I'll just do it myself, whatever it is, the way i have always done. I truly would like for my effect on all things to be positive, I would rather leave you happier than you were when i found you, regardless of who you are. I leave the campground cleaner than i found it, and I'll even leave a kitchen cleaner than i found it if i cook some food. Oh yeah, I love to cook too, and I'm good at it. I will make you some delicious food, my own private recipe if you like, and i don't expect anything at all in return. These things just go for anyone, as long as i don't think your trying to take advantage of me it really doesn't matter who you are, this is who I am.
More specifically talking just to women, if I ever, even for a second see you as beautiful I will tell you, immediately, not to try to manipulate you, just cuz i want you to know. If you ever sneeze or something and I think its cute, i will tell you immediately, just like I would tell you anything else that was on my mind at that time.
This is where the problem seems to lie, do not make the mistake of perceiving my honesty as an attempt to manipulate you, if i were trying to manipulate you just to get laid, think about it, in most cases i'd be much better off telling you the exact opposite, or keeping my mouth shut. If i tell you I care about you, you Should be happy, take that as a very precious gift. Do not make the mistake of perceiving it as weakness. I am not weak, I am strong, whether we are talking about will power, processing power of my brain, or just my bench press, I am strong. Don't be a fool and perceive what may be my greatest strength as a weakness, I'm sorry if this is mean, but that is just fucking stupid. I really don't mean to call you stupid, but if you think about it,, it truly is. I mean what do you judge a guy on? what makes you decide who is a worthy person? I have seen that honesty, integrity,, I mean seriously I could list every fuckin good trait there is, and it isn't any of those that girls are attracted too. As far as i can tell its like you all live in some fantasy land and you look for some utterly mundain qualities. I mean yeah there are looks, maybe thats it, maybe its just looks that you judge off of completely and all the other bullshit, conversation and you know, everything else, is just bs. That is actually one of the most logical possibilities i have considered. cuz I mean seriously, how can you be me and,,,,,,,, ehhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh I feel so discouraged, why should I even describe this to you? You prolly aren't even reading anymore anyway, should I truly express myself so honestly to someone who doesn't even bother to read it? this question has up til this point in my life been one of my most defining features. Can you distinguish which of your features are most defining of you? why not? Insight is a product of pain, come back here after you've felt some and this might read a little differently.
More specifically talking just to women, if I ever, even for a second see you as beautiful I will tell you, immediately, not to try to manipulate you, just cuz i want you to know. If you ever sneeze or something and I think its cute, i will tell you immediately, just like I would tell you anything else that was on my mind at that time.
This is where the problem seems to lie, do not make the mistake of perceiving my honesty as an attempt to manipulate you, if i were trying to manipulate you just to get laid, think about it, in most cases i'd be much better off telling you the exact opposite, or keeping my mouth shut. If i tell you I care about you, you Should be happy, take that as a very precious gift. Do not make the mistake of perceiving it as weakness. I am not weak, I am strong, whether we are talking about will power, processing power of my brain, or just my bench press, I am strong. Don't be a fool and perceive what may be my greatest strength as a weakness, I'm sorry if this is mean, but that is just fucking stupid. I really don't mean to call you stupid, but if you think about it,, it truly is. I mean what do you judge a guy on? what makes you decide who is a worthy person? I have seen that honesty, integrity,, I mean seriously I could list every fuckin good trait there is, and it isn't any of those that girls are attracted too. As far as i can tell its like you all live in some fantasy land and you look for some utterly mundain qualities. I mean yeah there are looks, maybe thats it, maybe its just looks that you judge off of completely and all the other bullshit, conversation and you know, everything else, is just bs. That is actually one of the most logical possibilities i have considered. cuz I mean seriously, how can you be me and,,,,,,,, ehhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh I feel so discouraged, why should I even describe this to you? You prolly aren't even reading anymore anyway, should I truly express myself so honestly to someone who doesn't even bother to read it? this question has up til this point in my life been one of my most defining features. Can you distinguish which of your features are most defining of you? why not? Insight is a product of pain, come back here after you've felt some and this might read a little differently.
Wednesday, October 14, 2009
Snow
What is the deal with the snow? Why is it for some reason like magic to me? I mean I was born and raised here in Colorado it isn't like its the first time I've ever seen the snow before, but every snow fall is a truly special thing to me. The first snowfall of the season (at least for me) was late last week. Around Thursday or so and I've been trying to tell you guys my feelings on the snow ever since. Something about it though, the basis of many poems, every time I try to explain it in plain English it starts turning into a poem real quick.
It isn't my fault though, how does one describe the snow? Would you speak of how each little flake is as individual as a human genotype? One could speak of how the snowflakes tumble amongst each other in such crazy chaotic, yet utterly predictable ways. You could speak of how the coldness at first refreshes but soon after stings upon your skin. One could speak of the first morning of the year when you awake to find the world transformed. How a thousand little insignificant but entirely individual little flakes of frozen water all gang up and in the course of a few hours change the entire world. For many of you I know that what would be on your mind is not any of these little observations of how the snow behaves as it falls, or how it looks from a distance, but rather how it feels to slide across.
I can tell you with absolute certainty that if you haven't had a chance to experience the feeling of freshies on a powder day, well, you just haven't lived yet. I wish I could somehow show you in words what this can be like, but my best attempt will just absolutely fall so short from what the experience is like. I'll try to give you a bit of an idea of how the day goes for me usually.
First of all you gotta get up much earlier than usual, like maybe around 6 a.m. not too bad but my eyes usually sting for the first couple hours. Wake up your bros and throw your board and gear into the car and its time to start driving. Anticipation builds slightly on the way but it isn't like a first date, you for some reason never realize what its going to be like. Its like you can remember what the whole experience is like but your memories don't do it justice so you just kinda sit in the car almost bored and feeling kind of inconvenienced for having to wake up early. The ride takes a long time, you prolly stop and grab some food or something but after about an hour and a half you pull into a giant dirt lot and step out of the car to change your shoes.
Its cold, the wind doesn't do that nice little refreshing thing that slowly turns to a sting it just stings right away. You take your shoes off to put on bigger and more cumbersome boots. They are way better than ski boots but they ain't no Nike cross trainers. Your feet get cold while you put em on. As you start walking you'll find that walking is just harder here, the boots and jacket and everything are heavy, your carrying a snowboard, and the air is thinner. So far you might be wondering why we've spent money and time to do this, well none of us do, we know why. We never said it was easy, but come on,, its not that hard.
Walk up to the line where the chairlift is picking people up and you will find a surprising level of relaxation in the air. These people seem so chill. Drop your board and strap your forward foot in leaving you in just a bit of an awkward position. You move like pushing a skateboard but its not as comfortable, you'll figure it out after you do it a few times. Making your way through the line only takes a few minutes, Your eyes may still sting a little for having to wake up early but if they do right now as you await your turn to get onto the chair, this is the last time you will notice it. Finally you see the people right in front of you get scooped up by that chair lift and its your turn to scurry over there take a seat on a moving chair. You'll notice people who just relax and just expect to do it right always do and people who allow fear or anxiousness to creep into their mind always find a way to mess it up(an underlying theme in snowboarding).
You do the awkward skate board motion a couple times, stop at the line and feel the seat scoop you up and slide you off of the ground. Over the course of the next ten seconds you will be hoisted up above the trees, suddenly the world you live in and all that you can see will open up in all directions to reveal epic mountain tops and snow covered tree tips. You have just stepped into an entirely different world. It is like a fantasy land with wizards and warriors and dragons, a world where your honor is all that you have. Every moment in this place is a beautiful and peaceful yet wildly vivid battle that rages inside of you. It is impossible to describe yet I know you somehow know what it is that I am talking about, it is so surreal. You will find yourself surveying all of the incredible details of the surrounding mountain peaks in disbelief. Even as you look upon it you cannot believe that there is something that crazy, and beautiful out there. It takes a second for it to stop looking like really good special effects, the realization that this place is really real, and that you are really here takes a minute to form in your now utterly stoked mind. Problems that absolutely eat you up inside when you are in your normal life seem so unimportant here. You look upon others who are just as happy to be here as you are as they make their smooth little S's down what you are realizing are very tiny pieces of a nearly unending thing. The world looks different here, It looks how it was supposed to look everywhere but due to our own shortcomings we usually fail to see. The beautiful thing about it is that you cannot resist being brought into this moment right now. After a few more relaxing, but possibly very cold minutes of sitting on this chair next to either good friends or often total strangers hanging high above the the intricate terrain below you an end to this ride finally comes into sight. Do not be sad with every ending comes a new beginning, believe me, nobody comes here to ride the chairlift. We come to ride the mountain. When you sit down on that chair it opens up your memories of why you are here, what this is all about, and you know something you don't know when your stuck in traffic in the middle of the city. As you near the end of the lift be sure to get your front tip up and just stand evenly on your board. Again you'll find those who just trust themselves and relax do just fine, and those with too much fear always find a way to fall down here. You sit down in the snow and strap in your back foot, then its time to start ridin. This is why you are here, this is why everyone has come. Its not to see the mountain tops, its not to enjoy the breakfast burrito with your friends on the way, it is this next thing that you'll do that is as good as anything else out there. we all carve our own personal heaven out in the shape of individual S curves but even as we do we also know the agony of understanding that hell does exist out there somewhere too. It isn't about heaven and hell though, it is about the complicated splendor of this one individual moment and this one individual path that we all will make through it. Physically mentally and spiritually you will be challenged on this battle ground your one adversary comes into light in this place, it is clear up here that it is you against yourself and most of the everybody wins.
I cannot even begin to describe to you what it is like to choose your own path through the snow covered forest, to see and feel the intricacies of the amazingly complex terrain, to see the sights, to feel the responsiveness of your edges and the smoothness of the powder. I can only try to explain these things to you, I can only tell you that it makes you exist in this moment,, Right now is where you must remain. It makes you see what is important, and forget about the stupid bullshit that usually seems so prominent in modern day life, like taxes or something retarded like that that you usually think is important. When you come here to ride there is an epic battle that exists within every snowboarder, it is a battle between fear and trust, between the truth and illusions, between this moment that exists now, and any other moment that may have once existed, but no longer does. If you really want to learn what it is that I speak of you aren't going to get any closer than you are at this moment by reading. If this brought back memories and your ready to ride well, hell yeah, or, If this sounded awesome and made you want to experience something new, well..... Either way, snow is on the hill now ladies and gentleman so do it to it. Who knows maybe We can meet up and enjoy some ramen noodles in the lodge or something. peace and luv, and to the dreamers like me,, sweet dreams.
It isn't my fault though, how does one describe the snow? Would you speak of how each little flake is as individual as a human genotype? One could speak of how the snowflakes tumble amongst each other in such crazy chaotic, yet utterly predictable ways. You could speak of how the coldness at first refreshes but soon after stings upon your skin. One could speak of the first morning of the year when you awake to find the world transformed. How a thousand little insignificant but entirely individual little flakes of frozen water all gang up and in the course of a few hours change the entire world. For many of you I know that what would be on your mind is not any of these little observations of how the snow behaves as it falls, or how it looks from a distance, but rather how it feels to slide across.
I can tell you with absolute certainty that if you haven't had a chance to experience the feeling of freshies on a powder day, well, you just haven't lived yet. I wish I could somehow show you in words what this can be like, but my best attempt will just absolutely fall so short from what the experience is like. I'll try to give you a bit of an idea of how the day goes for me usually.
First of all you gotta get up much earlier than usual, like maybe around 6 a.m. not too bad but my eyes usually sting for the first couple hours. Wake up your bros and throw your board and gear into the car and its time to start driving. Anticipation builds slightly on the way but it isn't like a first date, you for some reason never realize what its going to be like. Its like you can remember what the whole experience is like but your memories don't do it justice so you just kinda sit in the car almost bored and feeling kind of inconvenienced for having to wake up early. The ride takes a long time, you prolly stop and grab some food or something but after about an hour and a half you pull into a giant dirt lot and step out of the car to change your shoes.
Its cold, the wind doesn't do that nice little refreshing thing that slowly turns to a sting it just stings right away. You take your shoes off to put on bigger and more cumbersome boots. They are way better than ski boots but they ain't no Nike cross trainers. Your feet get cold while you put em on. As you start walking you'll find that walking is just harder here, the boots and jacket and everything are heavy, your carrying a snowboard, and the air is thinner. So far you might be wondering why we've spent money and time to do this, well none of us do, we know why. We never said it was easy, but come on,, its not that hard.
Walk up to the line where the chairlift is picking people up and you will find a surprising level of relaxation in the air. These people seem so chill. Drop your board and strap your forward foot in leaving you in just a bit of an awkward position. You move like pushing a skateboard but its not as comfortable, you'll figure it out after you do it a few times. Making your way through the line only takes a few minutes, Your eyes may still sting a little for having to wake up early but if they do right now as you await your turn to get onto the chair, this is the last time you will notice it. Finally you see the people right in front of you get scooped up by that chair lift and its your turn to scurry over there take a seat on a moving chair. You'll notice people who just relax and just expect to do it right always do and people who allow fear or anxiousness to creep into their mind always find a way to mess it up(an underlying theme in snowboarding).
You do the awkward skate board motion a couple times, stop at the line and feel the seat scoop you up and slide you off of the ground. Over the course of the next ten seconds you will be hoisted up above the trees, suddenly the world you live in and all that you can see will open up in all directions to reveal epic mountain tops and snow covered tree tips. You have just stepped into an entirely different world. It is like a fantasy land with wizards and warriors and dragons, a world where your honor is all that you have. Every moment in this place is a beautiful and peaceful yet wildly vivid battle that rages inside of you. It is impossible to describe yet I know you somehow know what it is that I am talking about, it is so surreal. You will find yourself surveying all of the incredible details of the surrounding mountain peaks in disbelief. Even as you look upon it you cannot believe that there is something that crazy, and beautiful out there. It takes a second for it to stop looking like really good special effects, the realization that this place is really real, and that you are really here takes a minute to form in your now utterly stoked mind. Problems that absolutely eat you up inside when you are in your normal life seem so unimportant here. You look upon others who are just as happy to be here as you are as they make their smooth little S's down what you are realizing are very tiny pieces of a nearly unending thing. The world looks different here, It looks how it was supposed to look everywhere but due to our own shortcomings we usually fail to see. The beautiful thing about it is that you cannot resist being brought into this moment right now. After a few more relaxing, but possibly very cold minutes of sitting on this chair next to either good friends or often total strangers hanging high above the the intricate terrain below you an end to this ride finally comes into sight. Do not be sad with every ending comes a new beginning, believe me, nobody comes here to ride the chairlift. We come to ride the mountain. When you sit down on that chair it opens up your memories of why you are here, what this is all about, and you know something you don't know when your stuck in traffic in the middle of the city. As you near the end of the lift be sure to get your front tip up and just stand evenly on your board. Again you'll find those who just trust themselves and relax do just fine, and those with too much fear always find a way to fall down here. You sit down in the snow and strap in your back foot, then its time to start ridin. This is why you are here, this is why everyone has come. Its not to see the mountain tops, its not to enjoy the breakfast burrito with your friends on the way, it is this next thing that you'll do that is as good as anything else out there. we all carve our own personal heaven out in the shape of individual S curves but even as we do we also know the agony of understanding that hell does exist out there somewhere too. It isn't about heaven and hell though, it is about the complicated splendor of this one individual moment and this one individual path that we all will make through it. Physically mentally and spiritually you will be challenged on this battle ground your one adversary comes into light in this place, it is clear up here that it is you against yourself and most of the everybody wins.
I cannot even begin to describe to you what it is like to choose your own path through the snow covered forest, to see and feel the intricacies of the amazingly complex terrain, to see the sights, to feel the responsiveness of your edges and the smoothness of the powder. I can only try to explain these things to you, I can only tell you that it makes you exist in this moment,, Right now is where you must remain. It makes you see what is important, and forget about the stupid bullshit that usually seems so prominent in modern day life, like taxes or something retarded like that that you usually think is important. When you come here to ride there is an epic battle that exists within every snowboarder, it is a battle between fear and trust, between the truth and illusions, between this moment that exists now, and any other moment that may have once existed, but no longer does. If you really want to learn what it is that I speak of you aren't going to get any closer than you are at this moment by reading. If this brought back memories and your ready to ride well, hell yeah, or, If this sounded awesome and made you want to experience something new, well..... Either way, snow is on the hill now ladies and gentleman so do it to it. Who knows maybe We can meet up and enjoy some ramen noodles in the lodge or something. peace and luv, and to the dreamers like me,, sweet dreams.
Sunday, October 11, 2009
choices choices
Does everyone else seem to share my problem of falling in love with the wrong person? perhaps it is some inert part of human nature that for some reason is always attracted to that which cannot be had. Perhaps we have an idea in our heads of how a love story should go. Perhaps the best opportunity for true love to exist would be in a situation where we must sacrifice everything, our sacrifices defining the romance as more than just another piece of ass. Something has to separate this one from the rest, prove that it is special, something other than time and situation.
Do you think you get to choose who you like, or want, or love? No, ya don't. Have you ever started to notice that you like someone despite knowing that they are not right for you? Or perhaps you were diggin someone that you shouldn't due to moral obligations (like she is my friend's ex), I personally have seen it coming from a mile away that someone would only ever hurt me, do me wrong, take advantage and lie to me and i was still helpless to decide not to like her. It wasn't about what she did for a living, if she was an honest person, or even if she was an interesting conversation. Looking into her eyes was like a drug to me it made me hope beyond hoping, that she would bestow upon me gifts she didn't even possess. It made me view things in a very unrealistic way, and I saw it coming from a mile away. I said to myself,, No, You don't like her, You don't want her, she is nothing but trouble, she will only cause pain not happiness. Guess what I was helpless to talk myself out of infatuation. It was like a slippery slope that obviously had jagged rocks and trees and was way too steep to ever stop once you had started, I evaluated it and was like "hell no! thats not for me." but then she smiled at me and it was like the entire football team had decide i was going over the edge. My will power is formidable, the football team wouldn't find me easy to shove, yet to her smile i am quite disarmed. There was never a choice for me. Knowing myself is all that I have to go off of in seeking to know who you(everyone) are but if I am any good indication then i think I can tell you, in case you don't know, you don't choose who you love.
(small subject shift (don't worry its going somewhere))
I was raised as a christian. We were not the most strict as far as being there every single Sunday, but I personally was pretty strict myself. I read he bible every night before i slept (finished it 3 times before age 10) and I really really felt very passionately about god, and life in general. I felt that each moment was a blessing and (this feels strange to admit) I truly thought there was a guy in the sky that watched over me and cared about me, who always consciously witnessed everything i went through with me. It is interesting from a psychological standpoint because group mentality can tend to make things more concrete (as far as deciding what is going on or what just occurred) because it isn't just me its all of us that witnessed it. You are never alone if there is someone always with you who always loves and accepts you. I think that believing in god is an extremely positive thing for anyone to do.
As I began to grow older I went through many painful things. I don't know about you but for me learning how the world worked was not an enjoyable thing for the most part. As I looked around I would find a small clue here, another piece of evidence there, and then a key witness here that would all begin to change my perception of what was really going on. The perception that I reluctantly began to form made me slowly painfully and sadly have to let go of my man in the sky. My supportive loving companion who was all powerful and all understanding. He was infinitely wise and knew everything, and he thought I was alright. What a powerful validating force in my life. Me, a person who needs to be verified and validated by something not for fear of punishment but for the self knowledge that I am a force of good in the world. Me who would be lonely all the time without him, believe me I fought to keep him in my life. I pushed with actual clearly focused and directed mental energy to find a way to continue to believe in god. I searched for a way around the most damning(scary terminology considering the subject) pieces of evidence in the case that was taking place in my mind. I was primarily acting defense attorney representing god himself, and my side lost, but it wasn't god's loss it was mine, because I was the only person there. Now when i go somewhere I go it alone, when things happen I witness them by myself, when I'm not sure if i did the right thing there is no validation, no one to apologize (and be forgiven by). I would gladly appeal this decision if I were ever able to come up with some new evidence.
The general point I'm getting at here is that some of these most important "choices" in life you don't get to choose at all. I know that we all are different, but for me there seems to be an emerging hierarchy of what wins in a battle for my attention(for lack of a better word). As in the case of religious beliefs logic prevailed over faith for me, something I'm not ashamed of but do regret. It would almost be a source of pride for me if i could say that logic is victorious always inside of my mind but it is not. When it came to if i was going to like the girl or not it was not logic but feelings, stimulation, and I suppose pretty images that took the cake. AAAhhhhh Life, what an amazing deep and interesting thing. AAAAhhhhhh life, what a pain in the a-hole. choices choices everywhere, but when do I get to decide something?
Do you think you get to choose who you like, or want, or love? No, ya don't. Have you ever started to notice that you like someone despite knowing that they are not right for you? Or perhaps you were diggin someone that you shouldn't due to moral obligations (like she is my friend's ex), I personally have seen it coming from a mile away that someone would only ever hurt me, do me wrong, take advantage and lie to me and i was still helpless to decide not to like her. It wasn't about what she did for a living, if she was an honest person, or even if she was an interesting conversation. Looking into her eyes was like a drug to me it made me hope beyond hoping, that she would bestow upon me gifts she didn't even possess. It made me view things in a very unrealistic way, and I saw it coming from a mile away. I said to myself,, No, You don't like her, You don't want her, she is nothing but trouble, she will only cause pain not happiness. Guess what I was helpless to talk myself out of infatuation. It was like a slippery slope that obviously had jagged rocks and trees and was way too steep to ever stop once you had started, I evaluated it and was like "hell no! thats not for me." but then she smiled at me and it was like the entire football team had decide i was going over the edge. My will power is formidable, the football team wouldn't find me easy to shove, yet to her smile i am quite disarmed. There was never a choice for me. Knowing myself is all that I have to go off of in seeking to know who you(everyone) are but if I am any good indication then i think I can tell you, in case you don't know, you don't choose who you love.
(small subject shift (don't worry its going somewhere))
I was raised as a christian. We were not the most strict as far as being there every single Sunday, but I personally was pretty strict myself. I read he bible every night before i slept (finished it 3 times before age 10) and I really really felt very passionately about god, and life in general. I felt that each moment was a blessing and (this feels strange to admit) I truly thought there was a guy in the sky that watched over me and cared about me, who always consciously witnessed everything i went through with me. It is interesting from a psychological standpoint because group mentality can tend to make things more concrete (as far as deciding what is going on or what just occurred) because it isn't just me its all of us that witnessed it. You are never alone if there is someone always with you who always loves and accepts you. I think that believing in god is an extremely positive thing for anyone to do.
As I began to grow older I went through many painful things. I don't know about you but for me learning how the world worked was not an enjoyable thing for the most part. As I looked around I would find a small clue here, another piece of evidence there, and then a key witness here that would all begin to change my perception of what was really going on. The perception that I reluctantly began to form made me slowly painfully and sadly have to let go of my man in the sky. My supportive loving companion who was all powerful and all understanding. He was infinitely wise and knew everything, and he thought I was alright. What a powerful validating force in my life. Me, a person who needs to be verified and validated by something not for fear of punishment but for the self knowledge that I am a force of good in the world. Me who would be lonely all the time without him, believe me I fought to keep him in my life. I pushed with actual clearly focused and directed mental energy to find a way to continue to believe in god. I searched for a way around the most damning(scary terminology considering the subject) pieces of evidence in the case that was taking place in my mind. I was primarily acting defense attorney representing god himself, and my side lost, but it wasn't god's loss it was mine, because I was the only person there. Now when i go somewhere I go it alone, when things happen I witness them by myself, when I'm not sure if i did the right thing there is no validation, no one to apologize (and be forgiven by). I would gladly appeal this decision if I were ever able to come up with some new evidence.
The general point I'm getting at here is that some of these most important "choices" in life you don't get to choose at all. I know that we all are different, but for me there seems to be an emerging hierarchy of what wins in a battle for my attention(for lack of a better word). As in the case of religious beliefs logic prevailed over faith for me, something I'm not ashamed of but do regret. It would almost be a source of pride for me if i could say that logic is victorious always inside of my mind but it is not. When it came to if i was going to like the girl or not it was not logic but feelings, stimulation, and I suppose pretty images that took the cake. AAAhhhhh Life, what an amazing deep and interesting thing. AAAAhhhhhh life, what a pain in the a-hole. choices choices everywhere, but when do I get to decide something?
Saturday, October 10, 2009
Does size really matter?
This is a question that divides the entire human race into two clearly defined and different groups. Those who know the answer and those who have a pretty good idea. Do you know countless "studies" have been conducted attempting to answer the question once and for all yet there is still no definite answer out there. Any speculation as to why?
The problem with this study and pretty much all others is Bias. It does not matter what the subject being studied, in science, if a scientist or a researcher has a personal stake in the outcome of the research he or she is said to be biased. There simply is no more biased subject so this question is one of the great mysteries of the world. My personal findings, yes it matters to an extent, but not nearly as much as other factors, mostly all of them are related to the most powerful sexual organ in the entire human body, the brain. We all have something that turns us on, like for me its boobs, or ass, or the faintest idea that a woman wants sex, or ya know, like when the wind blows.
Yeah we all are different, but there do seem to be some underlying things we all long for, I mean I don't know about you but I want to feel safe, safe from judgement, and safe from ridicule, most of all safe from rejection. We all want to know we can trust the people around us, to know that they've truly got our backs. I think we all wanna cuddle though many of us won't admit it. We all wanna be who we are, and that can require a ton of courage which is why we all want (or atleast could really use) someone who encourages us to be our best and recognizes it when we do. We all want to be loved. So guys I'm the last person you should ever take advice on romance from, but if you asked me I'd say be yourself, relax, have fun, and try as little as humanly possible. If you are going to try something try stepping out of your comfort zone, try doing something you've never done before. Try looking at it from their point of view, and if you can't figure out what things look like to them ask.
So does size matter? Yes it does,, to some. I'm not really to concerned about it though, actually I'd like to ask you guys something else, do you think we could all just slow down a bit? Just be a little more patient, talk a little slower, relax a little more. Why would you ask the guy at the fastfood restaurant how his day was if you didn't care? Seriously you guys are just too tense sometimes, there is no reason for that shit.
The problem with this study and pretty much all others is Bias. It does not matter what the subject being studied, in science, if a scientist or a researcher has a personal stake in the outcome of the research he or she is said to be biased. There simply is no more biased subject so this question is one of the great mysteries of the world. My personal findings, yes it matters to an extent, but not nearly as much as other factors, mostly all of them are related to the most powerful sexual organ in the entire human body, the brain. We all have something that turns us on, like for me its boobs, or ass, or the faintest idea that a woman wants sex, or ya know, like when the wind blows.
Yeah we all are different, but there do seem to be some underlying things we all long for, I mean I don't know about you but I want to feel safe, safe from judgement, and safe from ridicule, most of all safe from rejection. We all want to know we can trust the people around us, to know that they've truly got our backs. I think we all wanna cuddle though many of us won't admit it. We all wanna be who we are, and that can require a ton of courage which is why we all want (or atleast could really use) someone who encourages us to be our best and recognizes it when we do. We all want to be loved. So guys I'm the last person you should ever take advice on romance from, but if you asked me I'd say be yourself, relax, have fun, and try as little as humanly possible. If you are going to try something try stepping out of your comfort zone, try doing something you've never done before. Try looking at it from their point of view, and if you can't figure out what things look like to them ask.
So does size matter? Yes it does,, to some. I'm not really to concerned about it though, actually I'd like to ask you guys something else, do you think we could all just slow down a bit? Just be a little more patient, talk a little slower, relax a little more. Why would you ask the guy at the fastfood restaurant how his day was if you didn't care? Seriously you guys are just too tense sometimes, there is no reason for that shit.
alone
Someone in the family passed away today. He wasn't the closest to me, but he was a living person who up until yesterday had just lived his life as normal. In the middle of countless things and likely not suspecting any of it was about to end he fell asleep last night. I wonder if the lack of oxygen to a certain integral part of his heart awoke him painfully in the middle of the night. I wonder if he was ever conscious that his life was ending. I wonder if the last few days before maybe even felt a little bit different in some indescribable way. I wonder if he got a chance to tell the ones he loved that he loved them.
Well those are the people I know; I didn't know not him too well personally, but the ones he loved are like family to me(pretty much are). I know they knew he loved them but what about the things they didn't know. What about the things that none of us know. As he took his last breathe his wife was right beside him, but as a very close friend and I were recently discussing, despite his wife's close proximity death is a journey we all must take alone. Do not take pity on those who seem to lack whatever social or communicative jewels that allow most of us to have friends and feel that people care about us, express our ideas clearly and understandably and get some type of validation from the social interactions that we share with our friends because you too will in the end have to take this journey alone.
It is something that separates us all. If one hundred people all stand in the same room and it explodes do they not all take this journey by themselves? I know nothing of the journey, where it ends, how it feels, but I do know that you go it alone. Sounds sad doesn't it, but it really isn't. It only sounds sad because the word alone has such a negative connotation, look at the bright side no one will be bitching at you, you won't be judged, you won't be rejected, you won't be loved, but do you really need love if your not alive? And as for me, well i suppose i'm still searching for a reason to live, and love? It was almost my original reason, my second actually. As for my number one reason to live,,, simple, to not die.
Well those are the people I know; I didn't know not him too well personally, but the ones he loved are like family to me(pretty much are). I know they knew he loved them but what about the things they didn't know. What about the things that none of us know. As he took his last breathe his wife was right beside him, but as a very close friend and I were recently discussing, despite his wife's close proximity death is a journey we all must take alone. Do not take pity on those who seem to lack whatever social or communicative jewels that allow most of us to have friends and feel that people care about us, express our ideas clearly and understandably and get some type of validation from the social interactions that we share with our friends because you too will in the end have to take this journey alone.
It is something that separates us all. If one hundred people all stand in the same room and it explodes do they not all take this journey by themselves? I know nothing of the journey, where it ends, how it feels, but I do know that you go it alone. Sounds sad doesn't it, but it really isn't. It only sounds sad because the word alone has such a negative connotation, look at the bright side no one will be bitching at you, you won't be judged, you won't be rejected, you won't be loved, but do you really need love if your not alive? And as for me, well i suppose i'm still searching for a reason to live, and love? It was almost my original reason, my second actually. As for my number one reason to live,,, simple, to not die.
Thursday, October 8, 2009
Merlin the great
Merlin, the great wizard from the stories of King Arthur and the knights of the round table was a truly interesting character indeed. Did you know that for him time went backwards? In otherwords whatever he just saw is what you were just about to see as long as you are hanging out with him. This is very interesting because it allowed him to know things that no one else would have ever known, but it also denied him some very simple truths that most of us take for granted. One of the greatest mysteries in his life was likely figuring out who his parents were. I do not know how he died, but however he died it was the first thing he ever lived through. His first moment was spent at the end of a lance, very sick in a bed, or perhaps in the jaws and claws of an animal. Either way it could not have been a very pleasant way to begin a life, witnessing your own demise. Think how awkward his interactions with other people must have been, how hard would it have been for him to try to form a trusting relationship with another person since they could never share a moment. As soon as something happened to him it hadn't happened to you yet.
The entire english language would have sounded very different to him since he had to speak backwards, something he probably never even realized. Perhaps Merlin didn't really even have magic, all he had was backwardsness. This awkward advantage allowed him to take an ordinary boy and turn him to a great and powerful king. His strange position in undoubtedly left him questioning what seems like the smallest things vigourously throughout his entire life, but it allowed him to against all odds turn a ravaged and chaotic country side into one of the greatest and most righteous kingdoms the world has ever known.
If Merlin would have lived his life alone, and never seen another person his entire life how much would it have really changed his overall experience? Compared to a normal person what would have been the difference? He would have grown smaller and younger, and that is about the extent of it. The point I am trying to make is that Merlin's power wasn't really a power at all, it was a difference. A difference that made him powerful. He wasn't really that spectacular accept that he was different. This is an extreme example I know, but it is illustrates flawlessly how our differences are strengths. Don't judge others for being different, and most of all don't get down on yourself for being different, even if the difference seems like a shortcoming. We would all do well to remember that no attribute is better or worse unless put into a context, and since your next situation may be different than your last,,, who is to say whats good or bad. Oh btw I once heard that Merlin lived backwards, but i don't really know if that is how the actual story goes. I never read the book or anything. I am a college student I don't time to read fantasy bullshit! I was just making a point, so sue me!
The entire english language would have sounded very different to him since he had to speak backwards, something he probably never even realized. Perhaps Merlin didn't really even have magic, all he had was backwardsness. This awkward advantage allowed him to take an ordinary boy and turn him to a great and powerful king. His strange position in undoubtedly left him questioning what seems like the smallest things vigourously throughout his entire life, but it allowed him to against all odds turn a ravaged and chaotic country side into one of the greatest and most righteous kingdoms the world has ever known.
If Merlin would have lived his life alone, and never seen another person his entire life how much would it have really changed his overall experience? Compared to a normal person what would have been the difference? He would have grown smaller and younger, and that is about the extent of it. The point I am trying to make is that Merlin's power wasn't really a power at all, it was a difference. A difference that made him powerful. He wasn't really that spectacular accept that he was different. This is an extreme example I know, but it is illustrates flawlessly how our differences are strengths. Don't judge others for being different, and most of all don't get down on yourself for being different, even if the difference seems like a shortcoming. We would all do well to remember that no attribute is better or worse unless put into a context, and since your next situation may be different than your last,,, who is to say whats good or bad. Oh btw I once heard that Merlin lived backwards, but i don't really know if that is how the actual story goes. I never read the book or anything. I am a college student I don't time to read fantasy bullshit! I was just making a point, so sue me!
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